Smallest Boss That You Seen Thus Far

They say a rapper is 90% voice. And I mean voice literally, not in some wussified writer way. Think of Biggie. All he has to say is "uh"; it's imbued with Notorious magic. Or Snoop. Who hasn't been lulled into submission when he uses those caramel-coated vocal chords to say he don't love you, ho and he's out the do'.

In the case of the bearded Rick Ross, make that 100%. Mr. Ross is not a talented rapper. (I say so because I'm pretty sure that's what Crim thinks and I flagrantly steal his opinions.) He seems to exist only because of the subwoofers in his diaphragm.

I think he must secretly know it, too, because he doesn't bother much with lyrics. He'll just say like one or two words and be sure his bass is turned up to eleven.


When Lil Wayne was busy penning his champion verse for "We Takin Over" (I am the beast/Feed me rappers or feed me beats/I'm untamed I need a leash/I ain't been sane I need a shrink), Rick Ross was just dawdling around. When it came time to record the track, he seems to have muttered whatever came to mind. Boss! Sort of free-associative. Moooove.

There is one genuine Rick Ross fan in the household: little Winona. Despite being vastly outgrown by Ximena, my scrappy Wyandotte chick remains atop the brooder pecking order. She wants to get "I'm the smallest boss that you seen thus far" tatted on her shank. I told her she has to at least wait til she feathers out.

And speaking of rapper voices, my favorite belongs to Keak da Sneak, king of the supa dupa hyphy hyphy hyphy. If Keak did books on tape, I could get through Ulysses. But he's so raspy already, I would just feel bad making him talk that much. He gets bonus points for being from the Funktown neighborhood (Hunnid Block) where I do my school garden program.

Keak da Sneak, "That Go"

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