Goodkitties

Presenting Paulie, doing his Ray Liotta Goodfellas voiceover:

As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a pet cat.

I came from barn cats. They worked for a living. Sleeping outside, staking out mice. They were scrawny and had bad fur. What kind of life is that? Wasn't for me. No way.

So you show up as a kitten. You're a plush toy, irresistible. Once they sign on, it's kibbles for life. You break a leg, they go into debt to fix it. That's the deal.

Bad day at work? Fuck you, feed me. Don't like my litter box etiquette? Fuck you, feed me. Still asleep? Fuck you, feed me. All out of kibbles and the store's closed? Fuck you, feed me. There's canned tooney at SuperLongs all night.

They screw it up, they get their calves bitten. That's how it works.

It's not even really about the kibbles. What I love is the life. I need a sunbath, there are twenty sleeping spots around the yard just waiting. I can stare at birds all goddamn day if I want to. And if I get stuck in a tree, guess who has to haul out the ladder. If the litterbox isn't fresh, I leave a little reminder on the floor nearby. I want shiatsu, I get shiatsu. It's all mine for the taking.



More weird Walnuts posts:

My Cat Is a Narcissist, But I Love Him
Obama and My Gay Cat
Walnuts v. Walnuts
Important Notice (Call Him Molly Pecans)

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